A teenagers' letter to adopters

My Story – The voice of a nearly 16 year old

I was adopted as a young baby, I don’t remember ever being told I am adopted; I’ve just always known that I am. Mum told me that initially they called me their special adopted beautiful girl. Then when I was about 3 years of age I learnt about my ‘tummy family’. Apparently , I didn’t take this news very well and I didn’t want to believe that I didn’t grow in mum’s belly but I don’t remember this; I’ve just always known I have another family. Now I’m older I think of it as I have ‘my family’ but I also have connections to two other families, my birth family and my foster family who we still have contact with.

I didn’t have a life journey book; I did have a book from my foster carer about my life with them, which my parent’s told me I looked at a lot because I liked looking at pictures of me; I still look through it occasionally. I guess it wasn’t until I was about 6 years of age that I started to put the puzzle together. At this age, me and dad made our own life journey book, it was full of glitter and stickers!. I don’t have any photos of my birth family, so sometimes we would draw a picture of what we thought they looked like Sometimes I wanted to spend ages on the book and other times I didn’t. Dad said this was when I really started to ask questions but sometimes I didn’t want to talk at all, I don’t know why because I did have questions. Apparently, I always liked to talk when we were in the car. Another time I always asked questions was bedtime, I still do this. We had lots of books about different types of family and adoption books that changed as I grew older, I found learning through stories good, it worked for me. I had my favourites but it took some time to find them.

I learnt about my birth siblings when I was about 7 years of age and mum said I talked about this for some time afterwards. When I was a teenager, I was surprised that I had forgotten some of the information about them. It was like my brain just couldn’t retain all the details. Mum said this was normal, so we would always go over what I knew. I knew most of my story by the time I was 12 years of age. For a number of reasons, mum and dad didn’t tell me one of the trickier parts of my story until I was 14 years of age. To be honest, I had guessed the final part of it anyway. I don’t want to read my later life letter yet, I don’t feel ready, but I know it’s there for me. I didn’t want to talk much as a teenager about this stuff, mum and dad had to keep checking in with me. I don’t know why, sometimes it was just too much.

I do think it’s positive that I am adopted but I don’t think people including school fully understand how being adopted can affect you. I know I am loved a lot by my family and this helps. Over the years I have felt lots of different feelings about being adopted, as a young child sometimes I was confused and curious. As I grew older I’ve felt lots of different things like resentment, confusion, disconnected, rejection, abandoned, alone, angry and sad. Some feelings I just can’t explain, maybe because they’ve been a mixture of them all at the same time. I do think about my birth family a lot. It is what it is! I just have to get on with it.

Do I want to search for my birth family? Probably, but not everyone does. Now I’m older, if I do this, I definitely want mum and dad with me. We talk about all the possible different outcomes if I do this, to be honest, it feels a bit scary and a lot to think about. I’m glad I can talk about it though, it helps.

What the young person wanted you to know!

This young person wrote her letter to help adoptive parents better understand the complex and evolving emotions that can come with being adopted. While she feels safe and deeply loved in her adoptive family, she also carries a natural connection to two other families — her birth family and the foster family who cared for her early in life. These connections do not take away from the security she feels at home, but the birth family connection does create feelings that can sometimes be confusing, bittersweet, or conflicting. This would be far more significant if she found this out later in her life.

As she grew older, her understanding of her story changed, and so did her emotions. Curiosity, sadness, loyalty, pride, loss, and belonging all emerged at different stages for both the child and parents. What mattered most to her was being able to talk openly about these feelings with her adoptive family — without fear of upsetting them or being misunderstood.

She wanted parents to know that supporting a child’s identity means supporting all parts of their story. Being open, non‑judgmental, and willing to explore difficult questions together helped her feel secure, valued, and fully known.

This young person’s message to adoptive parents is that a child’s identity is made of many threads, and when families can talk about these openly, it strengthens trust, resilience, and emotional well‑being.

The Message:

This young person’s message reminds us that adoption is not a single event, but a lifelong story shaped by:

• identity,
• belonging,
• connection to multiple families,
• and emotional growth over time.

Children do not stay the same — their questions, needs, and understanding deepen as they grow. Reflecting on this allows adoptive parents to stay attuned, curious, and emotionally available throughout the journey.